i went ahead and picked a name so that i could get started on my new journal. My new name is good_littlegirl</div>.

Well when you play w/ fire you know that you will get burned. i decided to play and take the consequences, but at this point we both agree that it is not best for me. i love D more than ever. i can't help but feeling like i have failed Him because i am not willing to endure this. i guess maybe i did. D is married; i gave myself to Him and He took very good care of me. i feel guilty; i felt bad for His wife. i felt like i was violating the "woman code." i am tired of feeling so lonely. i am tired of crying myself to sleep every night. i think i deserve more out of this life than to spend most of my special happy moments wishing He was there to share them with. i don't want to spend  every birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter, Arbor Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, ect in misery. i have some deep abandonment issues and probably some setting myself up for failure tendancies. i feel like noone in my life so far has picked me. My mother wasn't able to due to her mental illness;my father was just young and didn't really have the resources;the lady that i came to live w/ after that showed no sort of love or affection although she has been very good to me and taught me a lot; i had random bad boyfriends which really isn't a big deal; i was engaged to a man who played a computer game all of the time i think at one point he didn't even speak to me for a couple of years; then i thought i was in love again, got knocked up and he hauled ass and hasn't looked back ( i do have a beautiful daughter though); i dated a best friend who was married he convinced me of his so called love, i found him a job closer to me making more money than he made at his then current job, he told his wife that he as in love w/ me and wanted a divorce and then decided not to leave. i married the next man that came along he was an alcoholic who like to constantly belittle me and refused to work after we got married, that one even tried to kill me. i do have another beautiful daughter as a result though and i had the pleasure of being a part of my step daughter's life for a while.  Then i met Sir and i need to stop before i have to feel that feeling again i am not sure if i can survive another one. i just want someone to love me. i think that is why the D/s 24/7 lifestyle is so appealing to me. i guess i just need suck it up and drive on. i just want it so bad. i want to be His girl and i want to be in my place all of the time.  i want to feel that connection and not have to feel alone or abandoned just loved and challenged. FUCK FUCK FUCK. You only have one life do what you need to do to make it the best you can. ALL OF MY LOVE AND DEVOTION TO YOU SIR!!!! Sometimes the challenges life presents seem overwhelming but in the end they are best.  Sry no time to proof read the work is piling up on my desk as we speak.   
 

i will always belong to D and i will always be His girl in my heart!! i still have hopes for one day, but today is an entirely different story. 

i am in a classroom. They have forced us to take an excel class. This man is is reading straigh from the book in monotone. The monitors of our computers are down in the desks and we all know how to use excel so... i believe we are all online. My friend

jsingleton315 seated to my left just created her own lj account hehehe.

 

 

 

 

august_baby27

 I am flabbergasted.  First of all I am a recovering hypochondriac, not really but I get really psyched up about anything that could possibly be wrong w/ me.  I am so thankful for the Internet because I can generally calm my worrying by reading an easy to find list of symptoms. In October of last year while at the park w/ the girls I scratched my elbow on this climbing wall after a while my whole arm became gigantic and bright red.  It took a long time to finally get rid of the staph and later I developed what is commonly referred to as scarlet fever (I think that is what they said). Anyway it involved my whole chest turning red accompanied by strep throat.  The scarlet fever thing is in the same family as staph somehow again I know this thanks to google. That was taken care of w/ a nice shot in the ass which I had a generalized allergic reaction to. My whole point in this pointless medical history is that I didn't want to take any chances w/ staph.  I began looking up some info after I sent you the last email and there were all these posts from whining women just like me that said it started under my arm some said they thought it was an ingrown hair and anyway the next thing that happened to these women  was a breakout of giant bumps down their spine.  YUCK!!! Anyway this prompted me to wake up Lilli (15 month old) and grab Kenzie (4 yr old) and go to the doctor immediately.  I just got back.  The only reason that we now have MRSA (antibiotic resistant staph) is because people built up an immunity to the current antibiotics due to the doctors over prescribing them and the inability of  idiots to finish their  medicine . So what I don't understand is now that they know how to treat it why in the hell don't they test for it before they just hand you a list of prescriptions? I am hoping that maybe I have not read enough about this to be correct in my observation which I commonly do, but it just seems like they would want to test for something before they hand out drugs that someone that may not need them.  I guess the lunches from the pharmaceutical reps and the job security for future scientists seem like the best option to them. Why don't they just start an online medical school for general practitioners; click here for your medical license.

 If you give me an inch, I'll take a mile. If you give me an inch and spank me w/ the ruler because you already know what I am thinking, I will be happy beyond any measure ;).