i will always belong to D and i will always be His girl in my heart!! i still have hopes for one day, but today is an entirely different story. 

Well when you play w/ fire you know that you will get burned. i decided to play and take the consequences, but at this point we both agree that it is not best for me. i love D more than ever. i can't help but feeling like i have failed Him because i am not willing to endure this. i guess maybe i did. D is married; i gave myself to Him and He took very good care of me. i feel guilty; i felt bad for His wife. i felt like i was violating the "woman code." i am tired of feeling so lonely. i am tired of crying myself to sleep every night. i think i deserve more out of this life than to spend most of my special happy moments wishing He was there to share them with. i don't want to spend  every birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter, Arbor Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, ect in misery. i have some deep abandonment issues and probably some setting myself up for failure tendancies. i feel like noone in my life so far has picked me. My mother wasn't able to due to her mental illness;my father was just young and didn't really have the resources;the lady that i came to live w/ after that showed no sort of love or affection although she has been very good to me and taught me a lot; i had random bad boyfriends which really isn't a big deal; i was engaged to a man who played a computer game all of the time i think at one point he didn't even speak to me for a couple of years; then i thought i was in love again, got knocked up and he hauled ass and hasn't looked back ( i do have a beautiful daughter though); i dated a best friend who was married he convinced me of his so called love, i found him a job closer to me making more money than he made at his then current job, he told his wife that he as in love w/ me and wanted a divorce and then decided not to leave. i married the next man that came along he was an alcoholic who like to constantly belittle me and refused to work after we got married, that one even tried to kill me. i do have another beautiful daughter as a result though and i had the pleasure of being a part of my step daughter's life for a while.  Then i met Sir and i need to stop before i have to feel that feeling again i am not sure if i can survive another one. i just want someone to love me. i think that is why the D/s 24/7 lifestyle is so appealing to me. i guess i just need suck it up and drive on. i just want it so bad. i want to be His girl and i want to be in my place all of the time.  i want to feel that connection and not have to feel alone or abandoned just loved and challenged. FUCK FUCK FUCK. You only have one life do what you need to do to make it the best you can. ALL OF MY LOVE AND DEVOTION TO YOU SIR!!!! Sometimes the challenges life presents seem overwhelming but in the end they are best.  Sry no time to proof read the work is piling up on my desk as we speak.